A Tough One

This has been one of the worst weekends for me, personally, that I've ever had.

And it's only Saturday.

I haven't been outside in two days, even though today was gorgeous and pretty warm (from what weather.com told me).

I've eaten very little and spoken in person to no one but my suitemate (who left yesterday afternoon for home), my RA (in the elevator) and the Domino's delivery guy.

Why the hermit-like behavior, you ask?

Well, it didn't start out with me wanting to do this. I had Friday off from work, and I was actually planning on getting a bunch of stuff done. But I woke up feeling worse than I have in years. I don't get sick, ever, but when I do, I get very sick. I had the flu. I was throwing up, had a horrible headache...the whole bit. I did nothing but nap, watch TV, and drink orange juice.

This, of course, was not how I like spending a day. But I figured I would make it up to myself today, and go uptown, maybe to a museum. I haven't been to the Met in a while, and I like to go a few times each semester. Plus, I always feel like I'm cheating myself when I don't take advantage of living in Manhattan, so this was going to be my payback.

So I got up this morning, did my laundry, and prepared for a good day. I still wasn't feeling 100% healthy, but I'm lucky in that I recover from illnesses fast, and I was pretty confident that I would be up to a trip uptown.

But then I checked my email.

The RA position that I had applied for, been through training for, dreamed about, planned activities for already? Yeah. I didn't get it.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken.

This RA position was what I had been putting all of my hopes on. NYU is an obscenely expensive school, far too expensive for me, and the housing and dining grant that comes with the RA position was going to be my way of continuing my education here. And it's not even all about the money. I was looking forward to being able to be an influence on kids just starting at NYU, to helping people, to giving something back to the ResLife system that has done pretty well by me.

Technically, I didn't get denied. I'm on their "alternate list" which means that they "think I would make a fine staff member, but couldn't offer me a position at this time". But it feels like a rejection.

It's especially hard because everyone else I've heard from that also went through the RALI process got offered positions. So I don't know what I did or didn't do that made the difference.It's also really hard because most of the people that I know that have been offered positions don't really need it. I know that they want to do it, and I'm sure they're going to be great RAs, but this position, for me, was going to mean so much, in terms of whether or not I can even be here next year.

I'm really at a loss right now as to what I'm going to do next year. I really hope I can figure something out that will allow me to stay at NYU, but if I don't, I don't know what I'm going to be doing come fall.

So anyway, I called my mother, spoke briefly to Richie, and then put my pajamas back on. I ordered Domino's (I'm a stress eater- I crave carbs especially when I'm really anxious- and did you know that Domino's will bring you chicken alfredo in a bread bowl?), sat down in front of the TV, and watched Mythbusters for hours. I'm currently watching The Incredibles. And I have no shame about it.

I feel like every step of the college process for me has been such a struggle. From senior year of high school, making the decision to mortgage my future on an NYU education; to freshman year, with the intense struggles with friends and my own anxieties; to working so hard to make it back this year, and having every penny I earn go right back to NYU...I feel like I ought to be due for some kind of good fortune. Does working so hard for this education make me appreciate it more than the kids who are able to have their parents just write a check for their tuition balances? Of course. But sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. I see these kids with their $3000 computers, $500 bags, and that go to Zurich for their sweet sixteens and Berlin for nineteenth birthdays (no lie, these people exist) and I just wish that they would recognize that their complaints about how their moms "only let me get an apartment if it was, like, less than ten grand a month, it's, like, so not fair, you know?" are ridiculous.

Sigh.

So I really hope tomorrow doesn't get worse. Because really, I can't take any more at this point. How about giving me a good day, universe? Please?