I've done a lot of growing up since this point last year. I'm a lot more sure of who I am. I'm far more confident with regard to my major, my friends, all of the things that are really the basis of the college experience. I've learned some really tough life lessons that were horribly painful. I've lost touch with people that used to mean more to me than almost anything else. I look at the person I was a year ago and almost don't recognize her. The person I am today would never take some of the things that that girl did, at least without one hell of a fight.
I'm also just a heck of a lot happier than I was a year ago. Freshman year of college really took a toll on me, from being away from my mom for the longest stretches of time in my life, to dealing with things that happened with friends that seem almost unbelievable now. I thought I had dealt with everything that had occurred when I returned to school for the beginning of sophomore year. But as it turned out, that challenge wasn't quite over for me yet. I spent the next few months going from being someone's best friend to not knowing her at all. The demise of this relationship still saddens me, but I can look at it with a more objective eye now than I did then.
I think the major reason for the breakdown was a lack of communication. Neither she nor I was willing to be honest about our feelings for a long time, and then once we had each reached a breaking point, there was too much irreparable damage done. I spent a lot of time crying over this loss, but luckily I had an amazing support system, both at home and at school, that opened their arms to me, listened to my troubles, and wiped away my tears.
I've learned that you really have no idea who your true friends are until you hit your lowest point. I did just that: hit the lowest point I'd been in for years. And I had friends that came over, spent the night with me, made me food, took me out when I didn't want to leave the house, and told me what a fantastic person I was. And you know what? I started to believe them.
The amount of self-confidence I have now, versus the amount I had a year ago, is astounding. I no longer have to lean on someone to stay upright; I can stand tall all on my own. And that's the biggest change I've experienced in the past year. I'm smart, and funny, and pretty, and really, really good at what I want to do with my life. I have great friends, a great boyfriend, a great family. I'm really, honestly happy. Finally.
Now, this is not to say that I'm done growing up. On the contrary; I still think I'm mostly a little kid playing dress-up, who still can't figure out how anyone would allow her to live in an apartment in New York City by herself. But I'm in a much better place that I've ever been, I think. And there's a lot to be said for that.
Do I still mourn the loss of the relationships I used to have? Of course. I'm only human, after all. I wish things could have turned out differently. There were points where I acted like an idiot, and I recognize that now. But I'm at a point now where I can recognize my own faults, apologize for them, and work towards being the very best me I possibly can.
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