The Week In Review

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been super busy lately. What with "real" work from my classes setting in, trying to balance my homework with my job, and my hour-long commute (each way), I feel like I never stop long enough to catch my breath. So here's the important things that went down this week:

• Last Friday was Alex's birthday. Jimmy and I went to dinner and a few movies (hooray for movie-hopping!) and then headed up to the Upper East Side for her party. It was really fun, and it was so good to see everyone all in one place! I feel like we've all been so crazy with our busy lives that we've never really been able to all spend time together yet, so it was really good to see everybody. It was a late night for me, but definitely worth it.
• On Saturday, Richie, Gerard, and Jimmy came over for dinner. I love it when people come over (since it rarely happens, it's even nicer for me when they do). Richie and I had found a recipe for Turkey Swedish Meatballs that I had made for Rosh Hashanah, and he wanted to have it again. So we had Swedish meatballs, macaroni pie, and chocolate chip cookies. I think we'll probably all keel over soon from the cholesterol, but it sure was a good dinner.
• Sunday was football day, of course, so I headed over to Brittany Hall to do homework (which I barely did) and watch the games (which I did a lot of) with the boys. Plus, Chinese food!
• Monday through Thursday were pretty normal days. I've been really short on money this week (getting sick the same month you have to buy textbooks is a very bad thing) but other than that I was doing okay until...
• Friday. Friday was supposed to be payday for me. Unfortunately, I didn't receive a paycheck. Why, you ask? Well, apparently there was paperwork that I was supposed to fill out before the semester started so that I could continue to be paid through the work-study program. But no one, not my boss, not any of the three people who deal with paychecks, told me this. So I had no idea. Needless to say, I noticed on Friday when I didn't receive an email saying my check had been deposited. As of right now, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I don't want to have to call my mom and ask her to front me the money for rent, but I don't know what else I can do. I've considered calling my landlord and explaining the situation, but that feels so immature. I'll get the check I'm owed by next pay period (on October 8), but I don't want to have to call him and say he can't cash my check until then. I'm really just frustrated because this isn't my fault at all, and now I'm the one having to stress about not having enough money to cover rent.
• Saturday was a pretty easy day. I considered doing homework, but instead watched Intervention (Have you seen it? You really should. It's excellent) and hung out with Richie. We went up to midtown to try to win lottery tickets to Next to Normal, since his friend Jess and a friend of hers were coming down, but unfortunately we weren't successful. We ended up just getting dim sum at Ruby Foo's. I then ended up just going home; there's been a lot of drama going on with some people here, and it all just kind of came to a head last night. I'm very frustrated and hurt by the whole situation, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm trying to just be adult about it and take the high road. Sigh. Some things never change.
• Anyway. Things here are good, for the most part. Classes are going well, and I'm feeling more confident about them. I'm making friends in my classes, too, which is really nice; I'm starting to feel connected to the people and the program, which isn't something I'm used to, but which I certainly like!
• In other news, I'm going to Maine over the Columbus Day weekend! Mom and Danny decided they wanted to go hike up a mountain (sometimes I don't know how I'm related to them...) so we've rented a cabin and found a park to explore. I was lured along with the promise of shopping, beautiful views, and lots of seafood. My mom knows just how to get to me.
• Well, that's about it for now. I'll try to post more regularly, but there's just so many other things going on!

Writing

When I was a kid, I hated writing.

Not the creative part, though. I hated the physical, pencil-on-paper act of taking what was in my mind and organizing it and trying to cull the barrage of ideas I had. I always had more going on upstairs than I could physically write down, and so I found it incredibly frustrating. That was probably a large reason why my papers were always marked down for handwriting: I was too busy trying to write down everything in my head as fast as I could that I didn't care about making my letters pretty.

But I feel like as I've gotten older, I've slowed down. I don't have a thousand ideas bouncing around my head all the time. Part of that is a good thing, in that now I can concentrate on writing papers about psychology without being distracted by a developing story about a girl that goes back to the time of the dinosaurs and fights Darth Vader (I was a weird little kid; I'm pretty sure I actually wrote this story at one point). But I really feel silly for never having things to write about.

I know that it's summer, and at this point I'm just kind of going through the motions, waiting for classes to start. Get up, go to work, hang out with people, come home, go to bed. I have no crazy professors to talk about or papers to complain about or weird classmates to psychoanalyze from afar. But I used to be so creative all the time, with daydreams of unicorns and the beaches of Normandy and a hybrid potato/corn plant (like I said, I was a weird little kid). I think with all the analytical thinking I've been doing the past few years, and the increase in the scientific, logical reading I've had to do for classes, I've started to infringe on the part of my brain that holds the creativity.

The Past Year

Well, the new school year is fast approaching. More than any other time of year, this is the point at which I always end up reflecting on how much my life has changed in the last twelve months. And this one sure was a doozie.

I've done a lot of growing up since this point last year. I'm a lot more sure of who I am. I'm far more confident with regard to my major, my friends, all of the things that are really the basis of the college experience. I've learned some really tough life lessons that were horribly painful. I've lost touch with people that used to mean more to me than almost anything else. I look at the person I was a year ago and almost don't recognize her. The person I am today would never take some of the things that that girl did, at least without one hell of a fight.

I'm also just a heck of a lot happier than I was a year ago. Freshman year of college really took a toll on me, from being away from my mom for the longest stretches of time in my life, to dealing with things that happened with friends that seem almost unbelievable now. I thought I had dealt with everything that had occurred when I returned to school for the beginning of sophomore year. But as it turned out, that challenge wasn't quite over for me yet. I spent the next few months going from being someone's best friend to not knowing her at all. The demise of this relationship still saddens me, but I can look at it with a more objective eye now than I did then.

I think the major reason for the breakdown was a lack of communication. Neither she nor I was willing to be honest about our feelings for a long time, and then once we had each reached a breaking point, there was too much irreparable damage done. I spent a lot of time crying over this loss, but luckily I had an amazing support system, both at home and at school, that opened their arms to me, listened to my troubles, and wiped away my tears.

I've learned that you really have no idea who your true friends are until you hit your lowest point. I did just that: hit the lowest point I'd been in for years. And I had friends that came over, spent the night with me, made me food, took me out when I didn't want to leave the house, and told me what a fantastic person I was. And you know what? I started to believe them.

The amount of self-confidence I have now, versus the amount I had a year ago, is astounding. I no longer have to lean on someone to stay upright; I can stand tall all on my own. And that's the biggest change I've experienced in the past year. I'm smart, and funny, and pretty, and really, really good at what I want to do with my life. I have great friends, a great boyfriend, a great family. I'm really, honestly happy. Finally.

Now, this is not to say that I'm done growing up. On the contrary; I still think I'm mostly a little kid playing dress-up, who still can't figure out how anyone would allow her to live in an apartment in New York City by herself. But I'm in a much better place that I've ever been, I think. And there's a lot to be said for that.

Do I still mourn the loss of the relationships I used to have? Of course. I'm only human, after all. I wish things could have turned out differently. There were points where I acted like an idiot, and I recognize that now. But I'm at a point now where I can recognize my own faults, apologize for them, and work towards being the very best me I possibly can.

Reflection

Today, I came across this article on the New York Times' website. As a psych major, and someone who is planning on spending the rest of her life talking to people about their problems in a setting similar to the ones described here, I found it fascinating. I don't intend to be a psychiatrist, which is the type of therapy that the author of this article has the most familiarity with, but I still think this is one of the best articles on the subject of the "therapy experience" that I've read in a long time.

I've always been the kind of person that other people open up to. I really enjoy talking to people and helping them work through what's going on in their lives, and I think that these two things combine to make me an ideal candidate to be a psychologist. I won't be a psychiatrist. That much I'm sure of. And it has nothing to do with the schooling (I'm going to be in grad school for five years to get my Psy. D. no matter what), it has to do with my beliefs about the use of medications in therapy.

Now, I think that there is a time and a place for medication. There are people that have chemical imbalances in their brains that can be corrected through medication. And I think that these people ought to have (strictly controlled) access to those drugs. But I also think that our society is quick to over-medicate, or to prescribe medication when it isn't necessary at all. I personally rarely even take aspirin. And it has nothing to do with my views on the economic impact of drug companies on our society or any of that. It has to do with the fact that there's nothing wrong with feeling a little bit of pain. Pain, be it physical or emotional, is there for a reason. It's to be paid attention to, not squashed with medication. I've seen numerous people be prescribed medications that do nothing for them but cost money and give them a sense that all of their problems will be solved with the little pill they take every morning.

So it comes as no surprise that I'm an overwhelming advocate of talk therapy. And that's why I've decided to be a clinical psychologist. People open up to me easily. Seriously, this happens to me all the time; I've just got the kind of personality that says "Tell me your secrets!", I suppose. Richie likes to say that all of a sudden people just find themselves in tears while talking to me, without any kind of understanding as to how they got there. And I think that's pretty accurate. (It doesn't hurt that he's probably going to be the subject of my thesis, once I get to that point.)

There is, of course, a difference between being a good friend and a good therapist. But I honestly think that being a good therapist will be easier. There's a lot that goes into being a good friend. It's a big effort, and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. I do my best to be a good friend while also standing up for myself and what's best for me. But in a therapy relationship, there's none of that. I'll have to listen and work through things with patients, but there'll be no required emotional response from me. This is perfect for someone that hates opening up about herself, but loves having other people open up to her. At the end of the day, I'm glad I've chosen this profession. It suits me. And I think I'll really be good at it.

So, I'm Not Afraid of People...

This post is going to come off as a little self-congratulatory, and maybe a bit high and mighty, and for that I'm sorry. Just know that I'm not trying to be a conceited brat.

So, I've dropped a pretty significant amount of weight in the last few months. It was never really a conscious decision, just something that happened more or less organically. But either way, I'm looking pretty good these days. (I think, anyway. I know some people will disagree with this, and that's fine, whatever. I feel good about myself and that's enough for me.)

I like this. It's weird sometimes, like when men on the subway stare at me or when construction workers catcall. But do those things make me feel bad or afraid or like I'm being unfairly objectified as a woman? Absolutely not. If anything, they make me feel a little bit better about myself. Blame it on a lack of self-confidence in my important early adolescent years, or a need for male validation because of my relationship with my father (seriously, I'm a psych major, I could give you reasons all day long), but at the end of the day I just feel like I'm being appreciated for the hard work I put in to look good. I also have a lot more self-confidence now than I used to. So I take it as a compliment.

I like compliments (uhm, duh). And do I care if they come from my mom or my boyfriend or my best friend or a coworker or a construction worker or a random stranger on the street? Not at all. To me, I see no difference between a construction worker catcalling and a girl telling me she loves my outfit. They're both telling me the same thing: that I look good, and I should know it.

Maybe it's because I believe that people are innately good and kind and not something I should be afraid of, but I love when strangers compliment me or even just talk to me. That's one of my favorite things, honestly. I'll have a conversation with a woman at the sinks in the ladies' room or a guy on the subway platform or a little kid in line in front of me at the grocery store or even the construction workers that catcall me. It probably has to do with my small-town background, where everyone I saw was someone I had known for years.

But living in New York isn't the same as living in a small town. People caution me all the time about being careful, about looking out for myself, about making sure I don't take the train alone at night. And I listen, usually. I don't go out actively seeking trouble. I'm smart enough to realize that if I'm going out with friends, I should make sure I have company to walk home. But have there been times where I need to get from Point A to Point B by myself in the middle of the night? Yep. And so I do.

There's a certain way that a girl should carry herself when she's alone at night in New York. You've got to walk with confidence and not make eye contact with anyone. I've found that pretending to have a conversation on the phone is a great plan, as is listening to an iPod. At the end of the day, though, if you don't go out actively looking for trouble, you're going to be fine. Very few people want to seriously hurt you, no matter what Law & Order may say. Random crimes are extremely rare.

But there's a very big difference between how you should behave on a dark street, alone, in the middle of the night, and how you can and should act the rest of the time. New Yorkers get a bad rap for being unfriendly, but I don't think that's true. I love talking to people, and I never feel like talking to them is a bad idea or something that'll put me in danger.

Is this bad advice for other girls to follow? I don't know. But I think that as long as you don't behave like an idiot, and you know how to handle yourself (and pick up a few hand-to-hand combat courses somewhere along the way: they're a great workout and you'll feel ten thousand times safer) you'll be fine. Don't be afraid of people. They won't hurt you unless you deserve it. And when those construction workers catcall you, don't take it personally. They do it to everyone.

I'm Not a Very Good "Feminist"

The title of this post probably doesn't really come as a shock to anyone. After all, I'm the one who is extremely possessive of her kitchen (as in, when I'm cooking and other people try to help, I banish them to the living room). I told a friend of mine the other day that it was my fault if he was upset, since he had been in my apartment for twenty minutes and I hadn't made him a sandwich yet. I'm relatively traditional when it comes to my relationships, in that I think the man should be the one doing the majority of the chasing, and every once in a while I like being taken out and spoiled a bit. I find a lot of the posts on traditionally "female" sites to be unnecessarily self-righteous and bitchy. I subscribe to Jezebel's RSS feed, but a pretty solid percentage of the stories I read get me riled up.

Because of this, I've had kind of a difficult time with women, historically. Many that I've met while at NYU are exactly the types I can't stand: constantly preaching about the need for "equality" and "women's empowerment" while still expecting benefits that have been given to women historically but in today's modern society are completely irrelevant and, if they really thought about it, are somewhat offensive by their own frame of reference. An example: I knew a girl who constantly talked about the need for women's rights to progress beyond what they already had. She felt that the promotion of a man to a position for which a woman was also a candidate was horrible, even if the man was better-qualified for the position. When the topic turned from policy to relationships, though, this girl expected a man to be very old-fashioned: hold car doors, walk on the street side of the sidewalk, always pay on dates, ask her father for her hand in marriage.

This girl didn't seem to realize the hypocrisy of her statements. And it's these kind of women that frustrate me beyond belief. They claim to want "equality", but then also want to be treated like little pink damsels in distress.

Now, this is not to say that I don't appreciate everything that feminism has done for me. It's because of women like Lucretia Mott (of whom I'm a descendent) that I have the right to vote. I can wear whatever I want. I can join the army. I can run for public office. I can be as educated as I want. And I'm super happy about all of those things. I know they weren't easy to come by, and I think it's awesome that I'm growing up in a time where I can do pretty much anything.

But I think our society has reached a point where we've gone too far. I feel much the same about affirmative action. If all of these "minority" (and I use the term nonspecifically) groups really want equality, than shouldn't they be subject to the same standards and requirements as the majority? I find admittance and hiring quotas ridiculous: accept/hire the best-qualified people, without consideration of their race, gender, sexual orientation, or any other characteristic.

I remember writing an essay about this subject in my senior year of high school, as part of my college Spanish final (yes, the whole thing was in Spanish, and yes, it was awesome). It sparked a discussion among our class, and we ended up being pretty evenly split. I remember that someone said that once I had "grown up a little" I would feel differently.

Well, it's been over two years since then, and to be honest, my opinion hasn't changed. Maybe it's the moderate part of my typically left-leaning policy positions, but I think that if you really want equality for everyone, then everyone should be treated, well, equally.

A Requisite Social Dialogue.

Today, while at work (because it's not like I actually have anything to do here) I was reading this post on Jezebel regarding the ongoing debate about kids. I think this all started a while back when some parents (in Willamsburg, natch) brought their baby into a bar-type establishment. Since then, there's been a pretty consistent stream of posts on various sites giving opinions on the topic. The big question that seems to be dividing people is: Should parents be able to bring their kids wherever they want? This has gone from, let's be honest, the insanity of bringing your toddler with you to a crowded bar on a Friday night, to people saying that kids shouldn't really be allowed in restaurants or on public transportation (seriously).

Then of course you have the backlash, which is what this article focuses on. It features of lots of long quotes from one writer, who claims that trying to ban kids from certain places is ageism and discrimination, and should not be any more acceptable than telling someone they can't eat at your restaurant because they're a different race than you are.

Now really, people. Get a grip.

This situation makes me think of an amusement park, which is a place where children are accepted and even encouraged to go. There are a lot of rides at an amusement park. There are the big, scary roller coasters, with height requirements. You know why there are height requirements? For safety reasons. Because people below a certain height can absolutely not ride on the roller coaster safely. It's not because the people who run the park hate children and midgets, it's because this is an environment in which they are not safe and should not be in. It's a ride designed specifically for adults, which is meant to be enjoyed by adults.

And you know what they do at amusement parks? They have other rides. Rides that are safe for kids. So that way everyone can have fun.

Now, I don't have kids. And I won't for a long time. But I like kids, and I don't see anything wrong with having them around in restaurants, or walking down the street, or even chilling in the university building where I work (there are a lot of professors that have their kids around occasionally, and I think that's great). And there are a lot of places designed specifically for children: playgrounds, children's clothing stores, schools, etc.

So why can't there be some places that are for adults? If I go out to a club with my friends, I want to be able to get a little crazy without worrying about scarring the small child sitting there. It's not my responsibility at any time in my day-to-day life to curb my behavior because your child is around, and it's especially not my responsibility to look out for kids if I want to swear while I'm sitting in a bar. I don't have a problem with cleaning up my language if there's a kid sitting next to me on a subway, and I shush my friends who won't do the same. I think it's common courtesy to the parent. But don't bring your kid to an environment designed for adults and then get offended when people behave like adults.

That's what babysitters are for.

The Future!

Now that I'm done with over half of my undergrad work (!!!!), I've started thinking about what I'm going to do with myself once I graduate from NYU. Come 2012, I'm going to have a bachelor's in Applied Psychology, and the world will be my oyster.

Now, a bachelor's Psych degree is, in general, pretty useless. I could probably work for a human resources department, but that's not what I want to do. I want to have my own practice, as a clinical psychologist. And that means grad school- lots of grad school.

So, for the past few days, I've been looking at a few different places, requesting information about programs and learning more about what I'll be doing. Most schools offer only PhD programs, which isn't what I want to do. The difference between a PhD and a PsyD is about the same as the difference between CAS Psych and Applied Psych here- the PsyD is more directed towards being a practitioner than a researcher. Since there are only a few schools that offer the PsyD, my choices are pretty narrow.

So far, I've seen quite a few places that look promising. The weather here has been pretty chilly lately, which is probably why I'm feeling this way, but right now my top choice is a school in Honolulu. It's a really good school, fully accredited, and it's in Hawaii. There are some other schools as well; in Miami, Fort Lauderdale, L.A., Melbourne...of course, the program is the most important part, but I could totally see myself attending classes in between drinking cocktails on the beach for five years.

That's another thing. To get my PsyD, I'm going to be in school full-time for an additional five years. It's a long time (it means that I won't graduate until 2017 at the earliest), and being in school until I'm at least 26 sounds like kind of a drag, but I figure it's best to get everything out of the way now, while I'm young, than worry about trying to get my degree once I'm working full-time, possibly with kids. It's a long way for me to think into the future, and it's the first time I've ever seriously considered life after NYU, which is scary. But I know that this is what I want to do, and just think- I'll be a doctor!

Looking at all of these grad schools is so reminiscent of doing my search for colleges back at this time four years ago. Back then, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, or how I should even go about looking for a program. But I lucked out, and ended up at the perfect school for me. Hopefully I'll be just as lucky this time around.

The End Is Here!

I know it's been almost a week since my last post, but I've just been so busy! I'm completely done with classes as of yesterday, and with only one final left (which isn't until a week from now), my second year of college is pretty much over.

It's so strange to think that I'm more than halfway done with my undergrad work (technically, I've been a junior for the whole of spring semester, because I came to NYU with so many credits already completed). I've learned so much these past two years, and I've grown up so much, this year especially. All of the things I'm doing now- being so independent, managing my money well, working while going to school, getting my own apartment, for heavens sake- I never would have been able to do them at this time a year ago. I've learned so much about myself, about people, I've let down a lot of my guards, and I've put up some that were probably necessary all along.

I think the best feeling for me came last Saturday. Classes were basically over, and it was the boys' last concert of the year. The day itself was beautiful, and I spent all of it with people that I really love. As I walked home, the night coming to a close (well, okay, the morning- it was 4:30 AM), I realized how very lucky I am to be surrounded by so many incredible people, who I love so much, and who love me as well! At this time last year, or even six months ago, I was constantly in tears, depressed and confused about what was going on. But so much has happened- I've dealt with some major setbacks, but I've learned to handle them and overcome them. I've had some issues with friends, but I've realized I can only do so much, and when someone is hell-bent on self-destruction, there's nothing I'll be able to do to stop them. I've made some major mistakes, but I've picked myself up and managed to fix them. I've learned to recognize that I am the most important person in my life, to treat myself with respect, and to stand up for myself and my feelings instead of letting people walk all over me. I've learned that it really doesn't matter what most people think of me, because the people that really matter and love me will tell me the truth about myself, and will stick by me while I figure it all out, since I have done/will do the same for them.

It's so strange to think back to senior year of high school. I thought I was all grown up, ready to go out into the world and take it on full force. I thought I was ready for anything. I thought I could handle whatever came my way.

If there's anything college has taught me so far (besides lots of random facts about World War II, how to deal with a hangover, and that street fairs are not something to get excited about), it's that I'm not invincible. I've been so humbled by everything that I've experienced during my time here, and I can't wait to see what the next two years (and then grad school) bring me.

But for now, it's summertime. I'm working. And that's it. It's almost like being on vacation! I have a feeling that the summer of 2010 is going to be one for the record books, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

When I Grow Up...

I read a post this morning on the lovely Ms. Jenson's blog, Daydream Believer about what her top career dreams were when she was a kid, and it got me thinking about everything that I've wanted to be through the years. I know I'm still pretty young, and my goals may change again within the next few years, but it's funny to think about some of the ideas that I had. My dream careers through the years have been:

-Baker. This was the first job I ever remember wanting; I think it was because I liked helping my mom in the kitchen, and at five I realized that if I was a baker, I could have cookies and cake whenever I wanted! What a life! I've since realized that me having a bakery would be the worst idea ever, since I hate waking up early and I don't want to weigh 300 pounds.

-Teacher. This is a pretty common one, and it's come back to me a few times. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to teach elementary school. When I was in high school, I thought for a while I would be a high school English teacher. Now that I'm in college, I've considered the idea of being a professor. But I always realize that I would be a horrible teacher, because little kids would drive me insane and I really don't like teenagers that much (I didn't even like high school kids, really, when I was in high school). Undoubtedly, once I'm out of college for a few years, I'll realize that being a professor would be bad as well.

-Journalist/Author. This has been one that I've varied on throughout the years. I'm a strong writer, and I always thought I would do something with that, but I'm not good enough to make a career out of being a journalist, and I'm not creative or diligent enough to be an author. For a while I also talked about being an international correspondent (and this was at the time at which I was first picking a major, which was extra stressful), but I think that was mainly because I was so anxious to get out of Deposit and travel the world.

-Actress. For quite a while in late elementary and middle school, I was determined to make it in the bright lights of Hollywood. I did a lot of stage acting during this time, and I'm a good actress and I really enjoy it. But the logical side of my brain always took over, and realized that I would never make it as an actress, and that there's no job security in it. It's funny, because now a lot of my friends are theatre majors, and I admire them so much for being so dedicated. I'm also really glad I'm not majoring in it, because some of the things they do in studio are ridiculous, and the majority of the people would drive me absolutely insane.

-Singer. Similarly to being an actress, when I realized that I was a decently good singer, I thought, "I'm going to be a STAR!" Yeah...it's not likely.

-Cashier. Like Ms. Jenson, I always wanted to be the person running the cash register at the grocery store. The laser scanner was the coolest thing ever, and I always whined at my mom to let me use the self-checkout, once those came around. I got the opportunity to be a cashier girl when I worked at the Big M last summer. And you know what? When it was busy, it was just as much fun as I always thought it would be. I loved the pressure of a line, I got to talk to people, and check things out fast, and there's something so satisfying about bagging groceries properly. I'm weird, I know, but I honestly loved cashiering.

Right now my plan is to be a clinical psychologist. I think I'll be good at it, but who knows? My plans might change and I may end up doing something completely different. I guess we'll see...

When Did I Become An Adult? And How Do I Make The Process Slow Down?

Well, I didn't want to jinx it, but it seems that as of now it's a pretty sure thing, so here's my big news: I've found an apartment!

That's right folks, as of May 8th I will officially be a resident of Brooklyn. I'm so excited and scared and weirded out by the whole thing! Signing a lease seems like such a huge deal- it's one of my first real big-time adult actions- but I'm so happy that I've found this place.

It's a third floor walk-up in the Bay Ridge neighborhood, which is a really safe, family-oriented area of Brooklyn. It's about 20 minutes from Union Square on the subway; pretty far, but considering I'll be saving over $1300/month, it seems to make pretty good sense to me. I'll be living with two other girls, Aubrey and Emma. I haven't met Emma yet, but Aubrey is really nice and seems like someone I'll really be able to get along with.

And the place! There are only two apartments in the whole of the building, so we have the whole third floor to ourselves. The living room area is huge, my room is bigger than my room at home, and it has an entire wall that's a built-in closet. The kitchen has a ton of counter space, a gas stove (thank goodness!), and a full-sized fridge. There's a dining room area with a full table, and we have a grill on the fire escape. Also, we can climb up the ladder and go on the roof- I haven't been up there, but Aubrey said there's a great view of the Manhattan skyline and the Verrazano Bridge, and that she likes to tan up there in the summer.

The lease that we're going to be signing (on Saturday the 24th, so soon!) is May 2010-2011. That means that I'm going to get to be in New York all summer, working full-time for my job in the Math department and hopefully picking up another part-time job waitressing or something. And what's even better is that almost all of my closest friends are going to be here as well!

I'm just so excited to be able to spend this summer working full-time, earning a ton of money, living in New York City, and hanging out with my friends. Also, I'll be starting my junior year in the fall (it's so hard to believe that I'll be a junior already), and now that I finally have my major completely figured out, I'm going to be taking classes that are 100% in my major. Finally, I'll be done with my LSP requirements once and for all (and I'll officially have an Associate's degree- my first college degree!) and be able to concentrate what I really love: Applied Psych. I met with my adviser yesterday, and she told me that I was pretty ahead in terms of credits, and that I may actually be able to graduate a semester early!

That of course got me thinking about what I would do if, come January 2012 (which is not that far away!), I was completely done with my undergrad work. I know that I've got plenty of time to figure it out, but it's weird to think that I might be done a full semester earlier than I had originally thought.

It seems that a lot of my financial problems are going to be lessened, as well, since I won't be paying obscene amounts of money towards NYU housing anymore. They're not going to disappear completely, but they will certainly be a little less stressful, which I'm very much looking forward to.

All in all, it's been a pretty solid couple of days for me. It seems that things are looking up- finally- and I'm so happy about it!

Insanity!

This week is crazy, all the way around.

I feel like professors are mad that we had a week off for spring break, and therefore are determined to make us do an obscene amount of work this week to make up for it. For one class alone, I have two papers due: one this Friday, and one next Monday! What?!?!

But I digress.

Last Sunday I did something I've been waiting to do for quite a while: I walked from my dorm, to the Brooklyn Bridge, across it, and then back across and all the way back home. The entire walk is about 3.5-4 miles (about the same amount I walk when I go to the gym or when I walk the hills at home) so it was a nice alternative to being in the basement of Palladium on such a nice sunny day.

I hadn't been downtown in quite a while, and I had never taken that route before, so it was really interesting to see a part of the city that was unknown to me beforehand. That's one of my favorite things about living here: having the opportunity to go discover something new about the city every day. I walked down Lafayette Street, passing the Laf dorm, where quite a few people I know live. I have some friends there, but I've never actually been in the dorm; it's really far from campus, there isn't much to do in that area (it's awkwardly sandwiched in lower Chinatown, close to the Financial District), and almost everyone else I'm friends with lives in the Union Square area.

The nicest thing about the walk, though, was crossing the bridge. I arrived there relatively early in the morning (around 10:45), so I was able to actually take some time to look at the sights without a ton of tourists around. It's definitely one of the best viewpoints around for seeing all the big landmarks: the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, etc...and of course the photos you could take of the bridge itself would probably be stunning. This was only the second time I'd walked the bridge- the first time was on one of the hottest days EVER, I was wearing the absolute worst clothes possible, and I was with people I could have done without. Needless to say, this was a much more enjoyable experience. I'm probably going to make this walk a regular thing, now that it's getting nicer outside. I'd so much rather be outside in the sun than in the gym!

This weekend is jam-packed with things going on. I'm working all day Friday, Mass Transit has their show on Friday night, and then Saturday night is Richie's show. Somewhere in there I have to fit in writing two papers, a few parties, and celebrating my dear best friend's birthday (he's going to be twenty! that means I'm going to be twenty soon! eek!)...I'm sure that somehow, it'll all get done. I hope.

Syracuse is playing again tomorrow, at 7:00. They're up against Butler. This is definitely going to be their toughest game yet, but I'll be rooting them on. I'll definitely be wearing my Orange shirt all day, just like on all the other game days, and it seems to be a good luck charm so far. If they lose, my bracket will really be worthless. Of the teams in the Sweet 16, only 6 of them were the ones I chose in my bracket. But at least I'm not the only one with a worthless bracket; it seems like everyone is having a rough go of it this year.

A Tough One

This has been one of the worst weekends for me, personally, that I've ever had.

And it's only Saturday.

I haven't been outside in two days, even though today was gorgeous and pretty warm (from what weather.com told me).

I've eaten very little and spoken in person to no one but my suitemate (who left yesterday afternoon for home), my RA (in the elevator) and the Domino's delivery guy.

Why the hermit-like behavior, you ask?

Well, it didn't start out with me wanting to do this. I had Friday off from work, and I was actually planning on getting a bunch of stuff done. But I woke up feeling worse than I have in years. I don't get sick, ever, but when I do, I get very sick. I had the flu. I was throwing up, had a horrible headache...the whole bit. I did nothing but nap, watch TV, and drink orange juice.

This, of course, was not how I like spending a day. But I figured I would make it up to myself today, and go uptown, maybe to a museum. I haven't been to the Met in a while, and I like to go a few times each semester. Plus, I always feel like I'm cheating myself when I don't take advantage of living in Manhattan, so this was going to be my payback.

So I got up this morning, did my laundry, and prepared for a good day. I still wasn't feeling 100% healthy, but I'm lucky in that I recover from illnesses fast, and I was pretty confident that I would be up to a trip uptown.

But then I checked my email.

The RA position that I had applied for, been through training for, dreamed about, planned activities for already? Yeah. I didn't get it.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken.

This RA position was what I had been putting all of my hopes on. NYU is an obscenely expensive school, far too expensive for me, and the housing and dining grant that comes with the RA position was going to be my way of continuing my education here. And it's not even all about the money. I was looking forward to being able to be an influence on kids just starting at NYU, to helping people, to giving something back to the ResLife system that has done pretty well by me.

Technically, I didn't get denied. I'm on their "alternate list" which means that they "think I would make a fine staff member, but couldn't offer me a position at this time". But it feels like a rejection.

It's especially hard because everyone else I've heard from that also went through the RALI process got offered positions. So I don't know what I did or didn't do that made the difference.It's also really hard because most of the people that I know that have been offered positions don't really need it. I know that they want to do it, and I'm sure they're going to be great RAs, but this position, for me, was going to mean so much, in terms of whether or not I can even be here next year.

I'm really at a loss right now as to what I'm going to do next year. I really hope I can figure something out that will allow me to stay at NYU, but if I don't, I don't know what I'm going to be doing come fall.

So anyway, I called my mother, spoke briefly to Richie, and then put my pajamas back on. I ordered Domino's (I'm a stress eater- I crave carbs especially when I'm really anxious- and did you know that Domino's will bring you chicken alfredo in a bread bowl?), sat down in front of the TV, and watched Mythbusters for hours. I'm currently watching The Incredibles. And I have no shame about it.

I feel like every step of the college process for me has been such a struggle. From senior year of high school, making the decision to mortgage my future on an NYU education; to freshman year, with the intense struggles with friends and my own anxieties; to working so hard to make it back this year, and having every penny I earn go right back to NYU...I feel like I ought to be due for some kind of good fortune. Does working so hard for this education make me appreciate it more than the kids who are able to have their parents just write a check for their tuition balances? Of course. But sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. I see these kids with their $3000 computers, $500 bags, and that go to Zurich for their sweet sixteens and Berlin for nineteenth birthdays (no lie, these people exist) and I just wish that they would recognize that their complaints about how their moms "only let me get an apartment if it was, like, less than ten grand a month, it's, like, so not fair, you know?" are ridiculous.

Sigh.

So I really hope tomorrow doesn't get worse. Because really, I can't take any more at this point. How about giving me a good day, universe? Please?

I Love Long Weekends.

I really do. No class tomorrow...thanks, presidents!

And with The Great Snowpocalyse that hit on Wednesday, this has been such a low-key couple of days. Imagine, NYU cancelling classes! I had no classes Wednesday, just work on Thursday, and work on Friday. Awesome.

After getting snowed in on Wednesday, I decided to make a nice big dinner. I hadn't made a chicken in a while, so I did that. Roast chicken, stuffing, biscuits, sauteed carrots, and gravy...there's something about snow that just makes me want to cook huge meals. Richie came over, and Jayson and Aaron stopped by to eat before going to a show. Then Richie and I watched Transformers and he stayed over. All in all, it was a nice way to spend a very snowy evening.

Thursday night, we went to see the Tisch production of Tommy. I had never seen the musical before, but I had heard most of the music. This production was amazing. Maybe I'm a little biased because I knew some of the people in the show, but honestly, I think it was the best student production I've ever seen. Everyone was so talented, and they seemed to really love what they were doing. It was just incredible.

I gave blood on Friday afternoon (hooray! My iron was high enough!) and that actually really wiped me out...I really need to start eating better and drinking more water, because when climbing three flights of stairs makes me light-headed, there's a problem.

Friday night, we were supposed to go to a fundraiser party for another show, All That He Was. But getting everyone together and ready to go was such a time-consuming experience! We didn't even leave until almost midnight, and then we ended up not going (apparently the party got busted). So we all came back to my place, hung out, played Apples to Apples, etc.

It's times like those that really catch me off guard sometimes. I think about the people that I know from high school and what they're doing with their lives, and then I think about the fact that it's 3:30 in the morning, and there are seven people in my room discussing Academy Award nominees and politics. I really enjoy going to a school where everyone is smart and well-informed and excited about sharing their opinions.

Saturday was a pretty low-key day for me, I watched a lot of TV and then went over to Richie's. His mom was here on Thursday and she brought an entire sheet pan of baked ziti, so a whole bunch of us pigged out on that. Then we decided to try out this ChatRoulette thing that everyone's been talking about.

I don't know how I feel about it, honestly. We talked to some people in England, which was really cool, but then there were the creepy people masturbating and the guys who just wanted us to take our tops off, which is so not okay. I think it's a cool concept (and I'm actually now Facebook friends with one of the girls from England that we talked to) but I got bored with it pretty quickly, and I probably wouldn't use it again. It's just not something that I'm really interested in.

Today I had my final RALI session. Now I just need to write my final reflection paper and I'll be done with the whole process! I won't find out if I've made it until the middle of March, though...it's so long to wait! I really just hope that I came across well. I think I'll make a good RA, honestly, and I'm really excited about having the opportunity to do so.

Tonight will probably be pretty laid back as well...Richie is coming over and we're going to make dinner...None of us really have anyone special to spend Valentine's day with, so we're all just going to do our own things I think.

But Happy Valentine's Day to everyone else!

Requisite Ranting

Okay people. Let's get real here.

Teen pregnancy is not cool. I don't care how many MTV shows they make or how many cute baby shirts you buy. Having a baby when you're barely a legal adult (or still legally a child!) is a bad idea.

It seems as though every day, I hear about another friend from elementary school that's had a kid or gotten married (typically just the former, but occasionally the latter follows). How ridiculous is that? I tell my friends at college that I have a ton of friends with children, and they look at me like I've got two heads. It's hard for them to fathom a community where that's okay, accepted, and even embraced! At this rate, I'm going to be one of a very small minority at a ten-year reunion without a kid in second or third grade. Maybe by that point I'll have an infant. Maybe.

I talked to my mom last night, and heard that another girl from my town has ended up pregnant at a very young age. And that's when it hit me. It's not "something in the water". It's that we grew up in a town where there is absolutely nothing to do, and we received no sex education whatsoever. You know what they teach in health classes? Abstinence is drilled into us, and then we watch a short video from the 70s that talks about pregnancy prevention. But there is an overwhelming feeling that it's abstinence or nothing. And that's obviously not working. I can't even count the amount of my peers, people that I've known since elementary school, that are now parents.

I know that some of them are extremely happy with their lives. And I think that's amazing. But I wonder if they realize what they gave up. The possibility of travel, or college, or actually having enough time to grow up and learn about themselves and who they are and what it means to be an adult.

Could I take care of a baby? If it came to that, probably. I would work 40+ hours per week and live with my mom. I would be able to provide for my child. But would I be the kind of parent that my child deserves? I don't think so. I don't know myself well enough to be able to give my all to another person.

And don't get me wrong. I love kids. I can't wait until I get married and have kids. But is it a responsible decision at this point in my life, or at any point within at least the next 7 years? No way. I want to have an established career, a home, enough money to know that I can buy the stroller and the toys and the books that my child deserves for their health and happiness and future. I want to be in a rock-solid marriage that I know for certain will last, because my child doesn't deserve having to go through the pain of divorced parents.

That's really it. It just makes me sick to keep hearing about more babies.

Stuff I Know Now

Whoa! Two posts in one day! The girl is out of control!

(Honestly, I just really don't feel like doing more reading for my Human Rights course. It's uber-depressing.)

I got this idea from the blog of a fellow Depositonian and NYUer, Tia (it's a very rare combination, and we are the only ones that possess both titles. Go us!). She's been posting things she learned in 2009, and considering that I've now had a month to reflect, I think I can safely do the same.

So here's my list:

• Keeping a blog is hard. I made it my New Year's resolution in '09 to start a blog. It failed. Then I decided I'd start one for the new school year. Nope. So here's looking at you, '10!
• Lady GaGa is a goddess. The woman is a force to be reckoned with. She makes amazing music (that even my mom has said isn't awful!) and is a really positive influence. Her constant reminders to be who you are, are really important messages for younger kids to hear, especially from someone as big as she is. She loves her fans a lot. Also, she went to NYU, so she's automatically cool.
• Angel hair pasta is a staple of my diet. And there's nothing wrong with that.
• It's possible to fit a 16-lb, fully roasted turkey in a heat bag and carry it through Union Square, while it's snowing, unscathed. People will look at you funny, but the turkey will still taste amazing.
• Allowing Richie to mix your drinks is usually not a very good idea.
• Sometimes you've got to admit when people don't want your help. This was an especially difficult one for me, with my whole "save the world" complex, but it's one of the most important lessons I've ever learned.
• A week can be an exhausting, embarrassingly long time.
• I am not nearly as good at things as I used to think I was. In Deposit, I was a very big fish in a teeny tiny pond. Singing, acting, academics, sports, leadership, community involvement...I did it all. But here I'm mediocre at all of those things (if that). So I've learned to figure out what my real strengths are: helping people with their problems and being someone to lean on.
• It's okay to change majors. Your advisor will help you, and give you more information than you could ever imagine you'd need.
• Money sucks. I'm awful at budgeting and controlling it and basically everything having to do with finances. I need to marry someone with financial skills, because I fail at them.
• My mom is one of the smartest people in the world. Seriously.
• Zach Galafianakis does really good stand-up. I saw him before he got famous with "The Hangover", and he was ridiculously hilarious.
• KenKens are addictive, even to someone that hates math as much as I do.
• Google Reader is one of the best inventions ever.
• I can fix a computer (as long as it's just a basic problem).
• Torrents are magical.
• Sporcle will eat up hours of your time if you let it. Stand strong!
• Seeing a movie in 3-D is always worth paying extra ("Avatar")
• Dancing in a fountain is a perfectly acceptable use of an evening. Getting thrown out of the park by the cops kind of puts a downer on the whole shenanigan, though.
• MT parties are legit.
• I am an amazing cashier. Seriously, put me on a cash register and I will make those groceries disappear.
• Sometimes it really is best to just say what you think needs to be said.
• Sometimes surprises are exciting, huge events. Sometimes they just mean your best friend bought an Entemann's cake.
• Two medium-sized roast chickens feed nine people pretty well.
• You can write on your laptop screen with dry-erase markers and it'll wipe right off (I spent about 45 minutes coloring pictures and drawing mustaches on people when I found this out).
• David Foster Wallace is a really hard author to read, but it's worth it.
• Missing a Mika show is sometimes very much worth it.
• You can set fire to nail polish remover in your bathtub. It'll leave a small mark, but it's really cool to watch. Almost all of your friends will think you've gone crazy. The one that doesn't is the one that'll stick with you.
• Black nail polish is not a good decision. My mother was right.
• Man vs. Food is an addictive show.
• So is 24.
• Be nice to people at work, because sometimes the guy that comes through your line at the grocery store will invite you and your entire family to a gourmet brunch on your birthday. Free.
• A really good friend will follow you into the bathroom of a pizza place and hold your hair while you throw up, then walk you back home.
• Bill Hader is really nice.
• My skills at Mario Party have not improved with age.
• Sometimes you really will have a professor that takes you out for pizza on the last day of class (and sends you home with leftovers!)
• Having an on-campus job at NYU basically means having a set amount of time to do your homework every day.
• The Weather Channel does not lie.
• "Wicked" is completely worth standing in the cold for.
• A+3G+Y=magic
• When seeing legendary performers like Aretha, U2, Springsteen, Jeff Beck, Metallica, Ozzy, Annie Lennox, Lenny Kravitz, Mick Jagger, Black Eyed Peas, etc. live, it doesn't really matter where you end up sitting.
• I can't do 8 AM lectures. I just can't.

That's really about it for now...I'm sure I'll have to update this one later.

Clean socks are a godsend.

This semester I'm taking a course focused on Human Rights (which has nothing to do with my major, but such is the life of an LSP student) and it got me thinking about all the things that I take for granted that I don't even think about, until they're taken away/returned.

For instance:

• A door. Yesterday F&CM came to replace the hallway door. It had been sticking all year, and Michelle finally decided that we should get it fixed. It was SO weird to leave yesterday morning and not have a door to shut behind me. But the fact that I now have a door that functions perfectly is wonderful.
• My own room. I shared a room with my brother for a long time, and was so excited to get my own when we put the second floor on our house. Then I came to college and learned to share a room again. I can make the best of really any situation, and I didn't mind having a roommate, but there's something beautiful about having my own space to think and sing and talk to myself and have a random underwear dance party that is just amazing. And this is definitely going to be the most space I'll ever have to myself while living in NYC.
• Money in the bank. I'm not talking big money here, but it's nice to know that I can use my debit card for something other than getting the gunk out from under my fingernails. Seriously, the times when I can't even afford a MetroCard are the worst.
• A phone. I'm not one of those people that's addicted to their iPhone or Blackberry, but back in December I was without a phone for about a week (due to problems with switching my service to AT&T). It was horrendous. I don't realize how important a phone really is for everything I do until I didn't have one. Also, I think my thumbs started to atrophy from disuse.
• Clean laundry. I am the queen of putting off laundry. It's a pain, it's expensive (okay, I know I spend twice as much on a burrito as I do on laundry, but it's the principle of the thing), it takes forever, and I despise folding clothes and putting them away. Once it gets down to the wire, I find myself wearing some pretty ridiculous combinations of clothes/wearing the same pair of jeans four days in a row. But I eventually just bite the bullet and do it. And then it's like heaven. It's wonderful to look in my closet and see so many options, instead of the sweater that's stretched out and has that weird stain and that I only wear as a last resort and today is last resort day.
• Waterproof boots. It sounds weird, but living in Upstate New York, I never really worried about having waterproof footwear for winter. After the age of about ten, my outside time consisted of the time it took to walk from the car to whatever building I was headed to and back (I loved snow as a kid, but then I realized that instead of going outside and freezing my fingers off, I could stay inside reading a book and drinking cocoa [thus my middle-school extreme nerdiness and fatness]). But once I got to college and started walking everywhere, I realized that waterproof footwear was a gift from the gods on high. I have the best boots ever: warm, fuzzy, good traction, and not ghastly to look at (plus they were cheap! Go KMart!). And now my toes stay nice and snuggly all day long, no matter how much slush I encounter.
• Contacts. Oh yeah. These babies are awesome. As jealous as I am of my friends that can just wake up in the morning and see, I love the fact that I have an excuse to wear fun styles of glasses and contacts. I wear colored contacts (my eyes are green anyway, but these contacts make them ridiculously green, to the point that strangers sometimes stop me on the street to compliment them). But the downside of contacts is that itchy feeling you get when they're too old and need to be replaced. That's the point my contacts are currently at. I can't wear them for more than a few hours before I start wanting to rip the suckers off of my eyeballs. But I'm holding out, because I know the new contacts feeling is the best ever.
• I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them at this point. Maybe I'll update this post later!